A Happy Sadness

Feel like I've been in a season of trying to reconcile an abundant life of deep, unshakable joy in the Lord and being like Him as a man of sorrows. 

Such a peculiar divine tension.

No one in their right mind pursues sorrow. No one wants to live in a state of mourning. But our Jesus was acquainted with grief. And rightly so. He is and was perfect in every way. He is and was holy while on this filthy earth. It’s like the Queen of England wearing her finest ensemble and hanging out in a pig pen, with pigs chewing on her pearls. How depressing. But worse, of course, because King Jesus came to HIS own creation and He was not received or even recognized. The rejection was personal. Man rejected the very One who—even in the moments that He was being rejected—sustained his breath. 

And He says to us: Blessed are those who mourn. Blessed are the poor in spirit. All of these thoughts come to mind and challenge many of my notions of what life in Christ is really supposed to be like.

Jesus Christ is the greatest joy ever known to mankind. He is who our souls were created to be satisfied in. The depth of joy in Him is difficult to even describe because it is so unlike anything the world offers. It cannot be compared to a sweet friendship, or a mother’s devotion, or a favorite team being down and winning in the end. It cannot be compared to being swept off my feet by a godly guy, or making a lot of money, or being recognized at work. It cannot even be compared to doing the kind of good deeds that instantly are applauded and admired. These things are joyful and can satisfy to some degree, for some time. But knowing the One who knows everything about me and loves me DESPITE these things, knowing the One who is perfection and beauty at every angle and being given the access and permission to come before Him and worship Him, knowing the One who has prepared a place for me to dwell with Him—sinless forever, what words can I even use to describe how unbelievable it is?

At the same time, we are most like Him and experience more of Him when suffering. He was a Man of sorrows. He knew He had come to be rejected. He knew that so many would misunderstand, others would be jealous, others indifferent (which is perhaps the greatest of all insults), others just plain angry, and still others who would perceive in Him worth, but foolishly assume their possessions would bring greater happiness. Ironically, the ones who found Him to be glorious, righteous, and true were the ones whose opinions didn't matter to the rest of the world. Like being the new kid in school and only being liked by other rejects. Almost worse than not being liked at all.

What impresses me about the Lord (you know, besides EVERYTHING about Him) is that He doesn't pretend that it doesn't affect Him. He really did grieve. It really did hurt Him to be not esteemed by people He loved. He suffered it even though He was so beyond it. He knew His own worth and even His own power to change His situation and still He took it.

At this point it looks as though deep joy in God given by His Spirit and the sorrows that describe the life of Christ are in contradiction. We may imagine that we cannot live with both. But I’m coming to realize that we must live in both—joy and sorrow.

Joy because nothing can touch us. People can only kill our bodies. No one can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. We have been rescued from the holy, hateful fury of God that we deserved for our sins. The anger has been absorbed. The punishment has been taken. Justice has been served, and served on a silver platter. Evil is used by God in our lives to bring good to us and glory to His name. The enemy is His puppet and has no power over the One who now lives in us. His Son saves us continually and sings over us as a mother does to her little ones. His Spirit fills us, guides us, corrects us, leads us, flows in us, and flows through us to bring life to others.

But sorrow because we live in a world where the majority of people continue to despise the One who is worthy of all worship and glory. We live in a world where sin divides homes and corrupts men and rapes women and bullies children and convinces us that it is better to worship creation over Creator. Sorrow because the only Answer to it all, the only Hope of every human on this planet is not known by a third of the earth’s population. Sorrow because most of the ones who claim to have this Hope spend their lives comfortably repeating the message of hope to each other—but in new ways—often while pursuing the same earthly comforts as those around them. Sorrow because multiplied millions of women are being raped

20 – 30 times a day by men who could care less about them or the wives and children they have at home. Sorrow because calamities wipe out entire communities, as the creation continues to groan, and because hunger has swallowed up so many children in the most forgotten places on earth.

It would be less painful to be indifferent. To be far removed. To change the channel. To avoid these news articles. To create a world where everything is happy and keep fingers crossed in hopes that no one who is part of that happiness gets cancer or is taken in a car accident. But we are called to mourn. Yes, I said it. We are called to suffer. If we are really serious about becoming like Jesus and getting close to Him, we will be ready to become as one who is acquainted with grief. And the greater the suffering, the more intense the joy will be at the thought of such a glorious and eternal hope as we now have.

Joy and sorrow perfectly coexist when we, like Christ, endure our cross for the joy set before us. When we can rejoice at the Father’s revealing of Himself to the simple, and weep over Jerusalem’s pride in refusing Him. When we can celebrate with those have been found by God and are accepted by faith in Christ, and mourn with those who prefer to live for worthless idols. When we can delight in worship and yet grieve over those who have yet to know such Beauty. 

We must be a people who is sorrowful, yet always rejoicing. It only makes sense. We rejoice in the hope that the sorrows are temporary. That, in fact, the sufferings are preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. That the sufferings of this present world are not worth comparing to the glory that is to be revealed to us. Suffering with Jesus guarantees that we will be glorified with Jesus. So that in the midst of pain, we rejoice. And in the midst of joy, we seek to bring this hope to those who suffer and assure His suffering people that we are rejected because He was and we will triumph because He has. Feeling His joy must remind me of how indebted I am to the world to bring the news that in Christ all suffering is temporary and meaningful. Feeling His pain must remind me of how indebted I am to the world to bring the news that in Christ all suffering is temporary and meaningful.

So this is it. The abundant life in all of its divine tensions. Full of pain, carrying the grief of many, mourning with those who mourn, enduring a cross of sorrow—yet full of joy, spreading the Hope to many, rejoicing with those who rejoice, awaiting a crown of glory.

Crisis: To Be or Not To Be

Not too long ago I had an identity crisis.

I did not know it at the time, but I know it now.

Jesus saved me out of a life of rebellion, lies, hypocrisy, self-righteousness, slander, arrogance, idolatry, and religiosity when I was 18. And everything changed. Everything I had once desired and loved and striven for radically changed. My flirtatious, boy-loving self suddenly did not want to date or be in any kind of romantic relationship so that I might be focused solely on knowing the God of the universe who had shown me the Light of Christ. 

Those years were so, so sweet for my soul. I hungered so much for the Word. Any chance I got I would open up the Scriptures and pore over every verse. My Savior, in every book of the Bible. Each page showed me something about Him I never knew. About His character. About what He loved and what He hated. About His nature and attributes. So many journals, so many memories there.

One thing I would always wonder aloud was “how will I ever be able to love a husband? There’s no room in my heart for that kind of devotion if I love Jesus this much.” Weird. I know. For a long time I didn't want to get married. I envisioned myself waking up next to another human being whose earthly delight was partly found in me and the thought made me nervous. 

“The first person I speak to and hear from each morning has been and will be the Lord. Wouldn't a husband ruin that?!” Ha. I know that with God all things are possible, but this was a sincere struggle!

Needless to say, I didn't really want to marry. I couldn't see myself married. I was actively serving the Lord in ministry, making disciples, doing life with people, learning and growing and can remember feeling so blessed to freely do that in light of friends who were married young. I did date some godly guys but those relationships didn't last long.

Then, as I began to grow and learn about what it means to be a godly woman, I noticed a pattern. Book after book, conference after conference, the big themes in womanhood were tied to being a godly wife and being a godly mother. And I must say: it is a beautiful role and calling! Without noticing, I slowly began to embrace the idea that if I was neither, I would not be all that I was supposed to be. Surely I must be married and raising children so I can connect with those ladies I would be meeting in the future! Or so I thought. When the opportunity came for me to potentially marry a solid Christian man who was a kind of a missionary and preparing to be a pastor I thought “This is it! This is who I am supposed to be. I have so much to learn and change to fit into this assigned role…”

At some point, I began writing my own story. I had been on this journey with the Lord where He was leading and unfolding His beautiful and often painful but joyful plan for me. And it’s almost as if I said “Okay, thanks Lord. But I can take it from here.”

My story was a cut and paste of different stories I had read. I would get married while Mr. “Right” was finishing seminary. I would work until my first child was born. We would land a job at a church where he would be the pastor and I would be the leading lady and of course, a stay-at-home wife and mother. I would home school. And eventually be immersed in also making disciples of the ladies in the church as I was raising my many future missionary/evangelist/pastor/teacher children—at least two to four of them adopted internationally (of course).

I looked forward to that being my new identity. In fact, in my heart and mind it was my identity for a few years. Until Mr. Right(Now) and I broke up.

My Heavenly Father graciously confronted me about my direction and decisions. I had written out my new life contract and had simply asked my Lord (who I was instead treating as my servant) to sign on the dotted line below.

The idea of who I was supposed to be was far from who I really was. Both he and I were putting pressure on me to be the woman I would read about. You know, the ideal godly wife and mom. I started becoming a different person. But not in the right way and all too suddenly and unnaturally. 

For this and other reasons that I will spare for now, we ended the relationship. For a time, I was shattered. I didn't know who I would then be or become. Until the Spirit sweetly spoke to me with the simplest of all truths. My identity is in Christ.

As in, HE is who I am. Where He goes, I go. Where He leads, I follow. HE writes my story. Because when it comes down to it, all of this life is about HIS story.

 This is His story! And I simply get to be a part of it. Gosh, maybe simply is a shabby word for such a glorious truth. I MIRACULOUSLY, AMAZINGLY, GRACIOUSLY, UNBELIEVABLY get to be a part of it. There is only One star and we all get to play supporting roles.

It is sufficient to know that I am His. And that He leads me in paths of righteousness for His Name’s sake. This is what He has always done. The joy that I have found in Him is so much deeper than any earthly gift, including the man I almost married and the life we could have had. His plans for me are sweeter even though I have no idea what they are even while they are unfolding.

I am now preparing to leave forever (or indefinitely) to serve the unreached with Gospel for Asia. I will serve in Texas. I will serve in South Asia. Indefinitely. Wholeheartedly. Wherever, whenever. That many would come to know the One, true Living God and the Son of God who purchased a people for Himself among them. 

Me with some of my students in Southeast Asia 2012 school year. :)

I leave August 22^nd as a 30-year-old who is single, satisfied, and sent. And yet, Gospel for Asia is not my identity. It is my current, earthly assignment and privilege. My identity is that I am His. Whether I marry or not. Whether I teach or not. Whether I ever make money again or not. Whether I give my life in Asia or be spent in the U.S. on behalf of the unreached of Asia. Whether I make 100 disciples or 10. I have great confidence and can honestly say that my crisis and fears are done. I don’t need to know nor do I need to plan or worry. His track record is perfect and He is who I desire to be like.

HE Himself is my identity. 

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Single, Satisfied, and Sent