Crisis: To Be or Not To Be

Not too long ago I had an identity crisis.

I did not know it at the time, but I know it now.

Jesus saved me out of a life of rebellion, lies, hypocrisy, self-righteousness, slander, arrogance, idolatry, and religiosity when I was 18. And everything changed. Everything I had once desired and loved and striven for radically changed. My flirtatious, boy-loving self suddenly did not want to date or be in any kind of romantic relationship so that I might be focused solely on knowing the God of the universe who had shown me the Light of Christ. 

Those years were so, so sweet for my soul. I hungered so much for the Word. Any chance I got I would open up the Scriptures and pore over every verse. My Savior, in every book of the Bible. Each page showed me something about Him I never knew. About His character. About what He loved and what He hated. About His nature and attributes. So many journals, so many memories there.

One thing I would always wonder aloud was “how will I ever be able to love a husband? There’s no room in my heart for that kind of devotion if I love Jesus this much.” Weird. I know. For a long time I didn't want to get married. I envisioned myself waking up next to another human being whose earthly delight was partly found in me and the thought made me nervous. 

“The first person I speak to and hear from each morning has been and will be the Lord. Wouldn't a husband ruin that?!” Ha. I know that with God all things are possible, but this was a sincere struggle!

Needless to say, I didn't really want to marry. I couldn't see myself married. I was actively serving the Lord in ministry, making disciples, doing life with people, learning and growing and can remember feeling so blessed to freely do that in light of friends who were married young. I did date some godly guys but those relationships didn't last long.

Then, as I began to grow and learn about what it means to be a godly woman, I noticed a pattern. Book after book, conference after conference, the big themes in womanhood were tied to being a godly wife and being a godly mother. And I must say: it is a beautiful role and calling! Without noticing, I slowly began to embrace the idea that if I was neither, I would not be all that I was supposed to be. Surely I must be married and raising children so I can connect with those ladies I would be meeting in the future! Or so I thought. When the opportunity came for me to potentially marry a solid Christian man who was a kind of a missionary and preparing to be a pastor I thought “This is it! This is who I am supposed to be. I have so much to learn and change to fit into this assigned role…”

At some point, I began writing my own story. I had been on this journey with the Lord where He was leading and unfolding His beautiful and often painful but joyful plan for me. And it’s almost as if I said “Okay, thanks Lord. But I can take it from here.”

My story was a cut and paste of different stories I had read. I would get married while Mr. “Right” was finishing seminary. I would work until my first child was born. We would land a job at a church where he would be the pastor and I would be the leading lady and of course, a stay-at-home wife and mother. I would home school. And eventually be immersed in also making disciples of the ladies in the church as I was raising my many future missionary/evangelist/pastor/teacher children—at least two to four of them adopted internationally (of course).

I looked forward to that being my new identity. In fact, in my heart and mind it was my identity for a few years. Until Mr. Right(Now) and I broke up.

My Heavenly Father graciously confronted me about my direction and decisions. I had written out my new life contract and had simply asked my Lord (who I was instead treating as my servant) to sign on the dotted line below.

The idea of who I was supposed to be was far from who I really was. Both he and I were putting pressure on me to be the woman I would read about. You know, the ideal godly wife and mom. I started becoming a different person. But not in the right way and all too suddenly and unnaturally. 

For this and other reasons that I will spare for now, we ended the relationship. For a time, I was shattered. I didn't know who I would then be or become. Until the Spirit sweetly spoke to me with the simplest of all truths. My identity is in Christ.

As in, HE is who I am. Where He goes, I go. Where He leads, I follow. HE writes my story. Because when it comes down to it, all of this life is about HIS story.

 This is His story! And I simply get to be a part of it. Gosh, maybe simply is a shabby word for such a glorious truth. I MIRACULOUSLY, AMAZINGLY, GRACIOUSLY, UNBELIEVABLY get to be a part of it. There is only One star and we all get to play supporting roles.

It is sufficient to know that I am His. And that He leads me in paths of righteousness for His Name’s sake. This is what He has always done. The joy that I have found in Him is so much deeper than any earthly gift, including the man I almost married and the life we could have had. His plans for me are sweeter even though I have no idea what they are even while they are unfolding.

I am now preparing to leave forever (or indefinitely) to serve the unreached with Gospel for Asia. I will serve in Texas. I will serve in South Asia. Indefinitely. Wholeheartedly. Wherever, whenever. That many would come to know the One, true Living God and the Son of God who purchased a people for Himself among them. 

Me with some of my students in Southeast Asia 2012 school year. :)

I leave August 22^nd as a 30-year-old who is single, satisfied, and sent. And yet, Gospel for Asia is not my identity. It is my current, earthly assignment and privilege. My identity is that I am His. Whether I marry or not. Whether I teach or not. Whether I ever make money again or not. Whether I give my life in Asia or be spent in the U.S. on behalf of the unreached of Asia. Whether I make 100 disciples or 10. I have great confidence and can honestly say that my crisis and fears are done. I don’t need to know nor do I need to plan or worry. His track record is perfect and He is who I desire to be like.

HE Himself is my identity. 

Recommended article!
Single, Satisfied, and Sent